Stick a fork in me...

I'm done.

At 34 weeks, 2 days (40 days to go!), I'm so over being pregnant. I'm over the swelling. I'm over the inability to sleep. I'm over worrying everytime the girls don't move. I'm over the constant hunger coupled with not being able to eat more than a little bit because my stomach is so squished. I'm over being out of breath going up the stairs in my house because my lungs are being squished.

I'm so overwhelmed with life right now. I spent a good 10 hours on Sunday going through all of the stuff that we've gotten from people, organizing and washing everything I can. It still feels like I haven't made a dent in anything and the nursery is now a disaster area.

I had a slight panic attack on Sunday evening when we set up the Pack N' Play in our room, which is going to be where the girls sleep when they come home from the hospital. I sat on the bed and stared at the PnP for a good 10 minutes, feeling nauseous and out of breath. I couldn't believe that we're almost done. Within 6 weeks, we'll have outside babies. Probably more like within 4 weeks. I felt like I was going to pass out or something. The feeling finally passed but it really made me wonder if I'm ready to be a mom.

I also had some kind of mini-breakdown on Sunday morning. M. has been taking a lot of time on the weekends to hang out with his friends, because he knows he won't get that time after the girls get here. I understand his need to have his fun now, but at the same time I find it extremely unfair. I never got a "last weekend". I never got to hang out with my friends, drinking and smoking and playing penny slots at the casino before I got pregnant. I won't get that opportunity for a long time, either, because even after the babies are born, my body isn't going to be mine again. (Providing the breastfeeding works for me, that is.) So, on Sunday morning, after waiting for M. to get up after staying out until 2 AM, I lost it. I started crying and ranting and going a little BSC. It took me a long time before I was able to shake off the feeling. I still haven't completely shaken it off.

We still have a lot to do before the girls get here and it's stressing me out. We just got our carseats last weekend and we still need to have them installed and inspected. We need to clean out our pantry (badly) so we have room for baby stuff in there. We need to finish the nursery so that we can use it the day we bring the girls home. We need to finish thank you notes. We need to go to Costco and stock up on some last minute items. We need to do too many things and we don't have many weekends left in which to do them.

I'm also getting extremely short-tempered with people. Last night on the bus, some guy started berating the bus driver for something that was the guy's own fault. Background: The bus I take has two different routes. One route is directly to the park and ride. This is the bus I normally catch in the evenings and we'll call it the "express" bus. The other route goes to the park and ride and then goes further into the neighborhoods by my house. We'll call this one the "local" bus.

Last night there was a fire in South Seattle, which affected the traffic coming from north of the city, which is where my bus was coming from. That meant that my bus was about 20 minutes late and arrived at 5PM instead of 4:40PM. There is a local bus that is supposed to come at 5PM, but like my bus, it was running late. The wait time for the local bus was about another 10 minutes, so it was set to arrive at about 5:10PM.

So this guy gets on the bus at the same stop as me, which is the 2nd to last stop before the bus gets on the freeway going north. There are no stops between the last stop in Seattle and the area where I live. The bus was clearly marked with an LED display that said the bus only went to the park and ride. There was also a sign in the front window saying that it only went to the park and ride. Before the bus driver pulls away from the curb, she said over the loudspeaker that the bus we were on was an express and didn't go into the neighborhoods. Once the driver got to the last stop and those people got on the bus, she made the same announcement and waited for about 10 seconds after to see if anyone wanted to get off the bus. The guy didn't move an inch. He wasn't wearing headphones and he wasn't talking on the phone. He was staring out the window.

We get to the park and ride and this guy is leaving the bus right in front of me. The guy stops after paying his fare, turns back towards the driver and tells her that "it would have been nice if [she'd] made an announcement that they were on the express bus." She responds with, "I'm sorry, Sir, but I did make that announcement. Several times." The guy starts arguing with her saying that she didn't and he wanted her name to complain to the transit people, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, there are about 15 people, myself included, who are waiting to get off the bus. We just want to go home. Finally, after another minute or so of this guy yelling at the driver, I lost it.

I said, "Are you kidding me? She announced it twice and it's written on the side of the bus. It's not her fault you weren't paying attention. You have to wait an additional 10 minutes for the local bus, which you would have had to do anyway because the buses were all running late because of the fire. So get your ass off the bus. We want to go home." And I pushed past him.

Do not mess with the 9 months pregnant woman. Especially one who'd had to pee for the last 20 minutes.

This is not the first time in recent weeks that I've completely lost my filter. I am so tired and so stressed and so DONE that I just don't care anymore. I really don't.

I can't wait until October 1st. If the girls haven't arrived by then, that's the day that I find out if I'm having a c-section or if I'm going to be waiting to actually go into labor. 9 more days.